Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Almost through my study and now...I'M STUCK

So I haven't posted in a week.  I hadn't gotten much cleaning done before yesterday and my mind has been insanely distracted.

Warning - This post is very personal...

Honestly, I'm severely stuck at the moment.  I had an absolutely fantastic time in Sewanee catching up with old and new friends.  I even got to talk a good bit with a couple of my favorite profs, which is always a joy.  I felt at peace there in the stillness, away from all of my questions and life concerns.

Now that I'm back to reality, I'm as confused and frustrated as ever.  When I arrived home, I was greeted with a blast of heat from inside my condo - my A/C was broken (in 100 degree weather) - oh happy day!  Luckily I have friends in the complex that I was able to stay with for 4 nights in a row.  It was so fantastic to be around other people, laughing and talking and watching the Olympics while not by myself.  Of course I also felt like I was imposing a lot and my sinful self began to doubt my worth and value - Were they just being nice? or Did they really want me there?  Were they tolerating me? or Did they enjoy my presence?

Some advice I received yesterday really tore me up and now I feel disconnected and simply don't care.  Running to God at the moment has me all the more desiring the things of this world - a family and companionship.  I know that Christ loves me immensely and unconditionally and that no love on earth can match His, but that doesn't stop me from so desperately wanting to be loved and cared for in the here and now and to have someone to love and care for in the here and now.

I don't have any uplifting thoughts or quotes to share.  I don't know that an uplifting thought or quote would even help me right now.  It won't take long for me to get back on track - these moments come and go, but for right now, I'm just tired...

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