Sunday, November 18, 2012

Finding the Road Back

     NOTE: Don't be discouraged by the first paragraph!

     Isn't it strange how a huge chunk of future time can be behind us before we know it?  That was this last month for me.  There have been moments of clarity in the whirlwind...times when I felt direction and everything made sense...but they were always fleeting.  For the past week I've been trying to find the road back.  Back to a place where I find God in everything, have contentment and peace with my life circumstances, and overflow with a passion and joy for the things that I love.  Emotions and feelings crowd out all logical thoughts and I'm left sick, both physically and spiritually.  I have to get out...I have to remember what it is that makes this world so wonderful.  It hurts to flounder - aching heart and anxious nerves and stomach.  It seems like every opportunity I have to reach up and get out of the pit gets devoured and I'm left floundering again.  I'm losing track of myself and my life in the process.  Where do I start to find a way back?

     I was recently having a conversation with someone who mentioned Jars of Clay and, having realized that I hadn't listened to this favorite band of mine in forever, I took a new look at my Jars of Clay collection.  Wow!  If you haven't taken a really good look at their album "The Long Fall Back to Earth," it's a must do.  While still a different sound than their earliest work, the artistry is back and beautiful.  The lyrics are powerful and embedded in reality.  I feel like I could define my life by placing every one of these songs in some sort of paralleling chronological order.  The songs on this album have been doing so much for me in finding the road back.  "Forgive Me," for example, seems to be exactly where I am right now.

     I also decided to start chipping away again at my Kindle library by reading one of the many random free Christian books that I've downloaded.  I began "God Told Me" by Jim Samra, and this choice had to have been a divine one.  I have longed for years to find a book that covers the idea of discovering God's direction in one's life, and every book I've tried on the subject has failed miserably at the task by being too vague, too specific, or too out there.  This book is miles better in comparison.  I can't begin to describe the degree of direction this book has provided me with.  I've been waiting and waiting for oh so long for certain things to become clear.  While some of these things have become clear over the past couple of years, other worries still remain.  And...I wait...wait for understanding and a clear path for what to do next.  I know it seems like a lot to ask, and I know plenty of people who would just say that all of my possible future bad experiences will help me with my decisions beyond that.  But I've had more bad experiences than I can count on both hands, and so I'm ready...ready for direction and understanding.  I'm done with waiting and ready for the action verb that is patience.  Here in stepped this fabulous book...there will be more to come for sure...

     To round things out, I want to share what I just read in my newspaper horoscope for June 30th.  "It takes two to tango.  Team up with others to muddle through mundane tasks - or invite a friend along on what would otherwise be a routine errand."  While I read them just for kicks, I think this one is something I should take to heart.  Living alone does have its advantages, but it can be oh so isolating.

     So here I am, trying to find the road back.  I don't know how long it'll take - Lord knows I hope everything will come together soon.  I've taken so many wrong turns (or maybe these were just "educational sidetrips") and am so done with them.  But if it's what He has in store for me, then I'm all for it.  Regardless, I will ask Him for clarity and a sense of direction, knowing that He gives to all those who ask (Matthew 21:22).

-For those who feel the urge, I would be honored to have your prayer.  For those who haven't seen me in awhile, I've been out of town a lot doing some very exciting things, so don't let this post worry you too much...I love you all.